Notes on Anger and Forgiveness by Graham Bretherick
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WORKING OUT BITTERNESS THROUGH FORGIVENESS
Graham Bretherick
Introduction
-we all have many misconceptions of what anger is and for that reason, anger is often mishandled and misunderstood
-most people view anger as negative and destructive and as a result are afraid of anger
-because we don't understand anger, we either try to manage and control it or repress it so we don't have to deal with the anger
-most of us assume that the problems we have with anger are unique to us and are surprised to discover how common anger is in all cultures, genders and age groups
-because anger is viewed so negatively, the majority of people have spent a lifetime burying their anger feelings and storing up bitterness in their emotions, often without even being aware of it
-the Bible has a totally different view of anger and it is that perspective that Christians must learn to function out of if they hope to learn to use anger for good and for God
I How Anger Motivates Behaviour
1. A Biblical Theology of Anger
-anger is not bad or even neutral but good
-we know this because God expresses anger and He never does anything that is
unrighteous or sinful
-Psa. 907& 11; Jere. 23 19-20
-we also know anger is good because God commands us to be angry but not sin in our expression of anger — Eph. 4 26-27
-anger has been given to us by God to energize us to fight against evil and as a tool to defend ourselves against danger
2. Definition of Anger
-anger is an energy in our bodies designed by God to protect us from danger
-I Sam. 111-11
-God used the power of anger's energy in Saul to cause him to rise up with courage to fight the Ammonites
-when anger arises in us it triggers a physiological reaction in our bodies through the release of various hormones
-the muscles tense, the heart beats faster, the respiration rate increases, the eyes open wider, the digestive systems shuts down, the sweat glands are activated, etc.
-this is anger in its basic form
-however, we often confuse anger energy with the way anger is expressed and these are two separate issues
3. Anger versus Anger Expression
-there are four basic expressions of anger:
a) rage or active aggression
b) passive anger or passive aggression
c) attacks on the self-esteem (up to and including depression and suicide)
d) attacks on the body or psychosomatic illnesses
-the first two anger expressions are directed toward others and the last two are directed toward ourselves
-anger has been given to us by God to prepare us to deal with danger
-there are three types of danger: real, potential and perceived
-anger empowers us to deal with the danger that is before us and if it is used in a right way, works for our good
-however, anger can also be used as a means to control other people
-most people are aware of the power that is theirs when they are angry and so they can use that power to control other people
-anger is frequently misused because we often operate out of the repressed anger that is buried in us from our past
-repressed anger is dangerous and needs to be worked through so that it does not
control us in ways that are unknown to us
II Using Anger to Work for Good
-we must make a distinction between dealing with anger as a root issue and anger
management
-managing anger is often ineffective because the root of anger has not been dealt with
-however, along with dealing with the root of buried anger in us, we must also learn to manage the anger that arises in us on any given day
1. Steps to Managing Anger Effectively
a) Learn to recognize when the "anger button" goes off
• listen to your euphemisms
• pay attention to your body signals
• notice emotional distance between you and others
• identify that "down" feeling
b) Think back through the causes of the anger
• the "anger button" always goes off for a reason
• ask, what is the danger to yourself and what kind of danger is it?
• what is your anger signalling to you?
c) Get in control of your anger
• what is the trigger point for your "anger button" going off?
• what areas of hurt is the anger in you revealing?
d) Use anger's power to motivate for good
• explore how you can use anger's power for your own and other’s good
• you cannot change anyone else, only yourself
• what are you seeing that needs to change in yourself and how can you do that?
• anger's power can be used to motivate you to deal with your fear of change
e) Deal with the shame you feel in anger
• expressing anger is often viewed as wrong and sinful
• when your anger is expressed you feel shame and then you try to bury the anger
• it is normal to feel angry, it is abnormal not to feel angry
• if you have expressed your anger inappropriately, then it is right to feel shame
• dealing with the shame you feel about your anger is an important first step
2. Developing an anger strategy that works
a) Get in touch with your "anger button"
b) Discover why you are angry
c) Understand what you want from the power of your anger
d) Work through to accomplish your goals
e) Continuously work on developing your security
III The Difference Between Anger and Bitterness
1. Anger is automatic - bitterness is a choice
• anger is an automatic, natural, physiological response to danger
• bitterness is a choice we make for the sake of revenge
2. Anger signals danger - bitterness is dangerous
• anger is good because it energizes us to fight danger, and signals us that danger is present
• bitterness is dangerous to us because it can destroy us
• with bitterness we get hurt twice - once at the original event and the second time when we choose revenge as a solution
3. Anger is constructive - bitterness is destructive
• anger helps us to see what we need to change in ourselves
• bitterness closes us up to reality and we cannot see life clearly in the midst of our bitterness
4. Anger is useful - bitterness is useless
• anger is a state of preparedness for confronting relationships that are becoming
harmful
• bitterness is a negative attitude that is useless because the revenge we intend to use to pay the offender back comes back on us and makes us into a negative pessimistic, embittered person
IV The Importance of Forgiveness for Finding Freedom
-the only way you can find freedom from the hurts of the past is through forgiveness
-if you do not work through to forgiveness, you will become the offender's victim all the rest of your life
1. What forgiveness is not
a) Forgiveness is not condoning
b) Forgiveness is not forgetting - that would be a form of denial
c) Forgiveness is not pretending to be nice - repressing our anger or pain, or being a martyr
d) Forgiveness is not letting people off the hook — they are still responsible for what they have done — but "Vengeance is mine says the Lord"
e) Forgiveness is not magic — it takes time, is hard work, is usually painful, and often needs to be applied more than once
2. What forgiveness is
a) Forgiveness is renouncing resentment as a means of solving a problem
-we may feel we have a right to our resentment because of what has been done to us but it will leave us imprisoned forever
b) Forgiveness is cancelling a debt
c) Forgiveness is pardoning the offender and not demanding punishment
-when you punish others out of bitterness, the punishment comes back on you
3. Forgiveness is a choice
• making a choice is the only way out of being victimized for life
• however, that does not in any way indicate that the "victim" is to blame for what happened to him or her
• your choice is in the area of forgiving or not forgiving
• Matt. 6 9-15
• Luke17 1-10
4. Forgiveness can be learned
a) Begin with a realization of your own mistakes
b) Consider the pain of not being forgiven for your mistakes
c) Realize that what you expect from others should be given to others
d) Extend the same attitude to those who have offended you
e) Forgiveness frees you to enjoy life again and is well worth the investment
5. The Forgiveness Exercise
• the Forgiveness Exercise is designed to enable you and the people you are working with to take practical steps toward real forgiveness
• it is unlikely that your deep hurts can be worked out by yourself and it is advised that you find a trusted and mature person to help you work through your buried anger
• once you have been released from your own anger and hurt, you are equipped to help others come to the same place of healing
• the Forgiveness Exercise will be used in the Labs which are to follow
• in order to complete the lab, the homework must be done by each person participating in the lab
FORGIVENESS EXERCISE
Graham R. Bretherick
Step 1 List the people that you need to forgive
e.g. father
mother
brother/sister
boss,
spouse, etc.
Step 2 Recognize how bitterness is self-destructive.
If you bury negative feelings you have toward others and yourself, you will engage in self-destructive behaviour.
• List the things you are now doing that are hurting yourself because of the buried anger within you
e.g. overeating or undereating
over doing exercise
abusing alcohol or drugs
putting yourself down
withdrawing from relationships
Step 3 Describe briefly what happened with the first person listed above: (work one person through the exercise at a time)
• It may be specific things said or done to you
• It may be a specific event that happened to you
• It may be a general attitude that this person had toward you
• It may be things that this person failed to do for you
Step 4 Recognize the emotions involved in your hurt.
Labelling the emotions you felt in regard to these incidents helps you to identify more clearly the pain you have felt. “You have to feel in order to heal.”
• List some of the feelings you have about what happened:
For example:
• afraid
• guilty
• ashamed • This can be done by placing these feeling words
• humiliated beside the statement you have listed in Step 3
• angry
• rejected
• vengeful
• helpless
• lonely
• bitter
• confused
Step 5 Express your hurt and anger by writing a letter to the offender.
(Get the poison out)
• If I could say to this person what was really on my mind, I would tell him or her...
(This letter is never intended for the offender to receive but for
healing purposes only)
(Make sure you are thorough in steps 1-4, and realistic in step 5. The anger letter needs to express anger in order to get it out of your system. Take your time before moving on to this next step.)
Step 6 Release the person and cancel the debt owing.
• When you are ready to release the other person from the hurt he or she has caused you, you are ready to forgive—to cancel the debt. Forgiveness as a decision means choosing not to hold on to an emotional “debt” against another person. Forgiveness as a process means working through your own inner reactions until what was done to you no longer dominates you.
Step 7 Work on the possibility of reconciliation.
Forgiveness is a one-way street whereas reconciliation is always a two-way street.
• Ask yourself why this reconciliation is important to you.
• Work through what you think his or her response might be.
• Is there any way you can check to see if this person is open to working through his or her part
of the reconciliation process?
• Can you live with a rejection response from this person?
